Faithless

I go to church every Sunday, in fact i go there almost everyday. Its practically my life. With that scenario, you can easily box me as someone who prays a lot; has a large amount of faith, his life quite figured out and made up.

Hardly. I struggle. I have angst. I fear. I have many enemies. and they’re mostly myself.

Why say this now? Because now, I am on the edge. a place where many things to me look uncertain, and things swim mishmashed together in a hazy conondrum. In short, may bumabagabag sa aking isip. This thing inside me keeps me on the edge. It saddens me, and pushes me, sometimes exhaustively to think about it a lot. If my brain’s a body, it would have biceps and abs all over it.

To the point that it worries me. I worry me.

On this area of my life, I have no faith. My only consolation, ironic as it my seem, is that i believe that this “thing”, this agony that i have geniusly construed inside me shall pass, like everything else that has gone before, and disappear eventually through time, and space. I have faith after all. But not so today.

I labor, in my mind, to make it easier, make my life happier.

What is “it”? Or WHO is “it”?
It started beautifully, unintentional, spontaneous, until my mind played with it. Ho hum.

I dont know if writing about this helps me. I guess i just have to wait…and pray.

By Pepe Dayaw

performance artist and choreographer from Manila, based in Berlin / Brandenburg

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